FUCK. YOU. oh and happy birthday.

omigod. Im crying so bad right now. I cant even fucking type. Im have a horrible horrible day...week...month...year. fuck fuck fuck all of you! I hate all of you! and guess what! todays my fucking birthday! WHOOPDIE FUCKING DOO!!! well last year I had the worst birthday ever. my parents locked me in the garage and woke me up at 6 am to say "wake up bitch were taking you to school early." It was horrible. It ended with me lying on the garage couch crying and feeling exactly as  i do now. why? why? why am i being punished! what did i do?!?!??? Nothing! I hate them ! i  hate them! im getting my damn keyboard all wet and i can barely see through my damn watergate eyeballs....so FUCK YOU if you want to correct my spelling/grammar! So heres what happened. As you know, I really want that damn iphone 4. It hurts so much that I want it. I don't even know why i want the damn thing so bad, I just do! Febuary 3rd came around...2 days ago. My final chance....and my parents sat at home on their asses doing nothing. That day was so hard for me...I cried 10+ times and im seriously not exaggerating.  I was so hurt that they don't care about me! that was all i wanted! why is this happening?!~?!?!? Im tired of hurting like this!!!! February 3rd ruined any joy i had for my coming birthday. I asked for the iphone...when my mom said i couldnt have it...i asked for a strip of color i can dye my hair (underneath) she laughed at me for that...and when i asked for an upper ear cartilage piercing, and a nose ring, etc. She rushed to tell my dad and together they laughed at me. Then she texted her friends and called her parents so they could all laugh at me. I was so much more hurt. Then I asked for a tamagotchi, she said no because i already had one, so i asked for an uglydoll and she said she would add to that colection either, i didnt even dare asking for ythe chococat buildabear...  i just retreated back into my room and cried some more. not because im a selfish bitch but because i hate being rejected and treated like a zoo animal. it hurts. my heart is torn and i cant turn to anyone. i need help! i only want suicide right now and im not even kidding! i have lots of pills i could take and im seriously considering it. ive been cry for an hour before i decided to blog. so today came around and it started with the oh so fun bible study. for four hours. i was so pissed! i hate wasting my birthday on religous CRAP! CAUSE THATS ALL IT IS. DOG SHIT CRAP. Its not even real. I hate it. Last year I probably deserved being locked in the garage...but this year i changed. my parents said ive been a blessing to them and ive really been trying! THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I DID ON LAST YEARS JOKE BIRTHDAY!?!?!???? my mom didnt buy me anything at all! for my sweet 16! im so hurt! she went out this afternoon and bought me a cheap ass coloring book, some markers, a bra, christmas sale socks, a pack of glowsticks, shampoo and conditioner. thats all. for my sweet 16. im so hurt. and depressed. fuck everything. why did i even try for them? why did i waste my time and effort? it was all a joke. the only thing i was looking forward to all day was going to bnn to see my best friends parker and josh. i really really need some time away. im losing it. we were about to leave and i was running around getting ready because my mom said "were going in 5 minutes!" (thanks for the heads up) when i just broke down. I started to cry. My heart breaking and rejected i couldn't take it anymore this year has just been to horrible for me. I let tears fall and stared into the mirror. I was trying to pull myself together so i could apply my makeup when my mom walked in. she started yelling at me, about how i was throwing a pity party and all this religious shit etc etc.... I tried to explain that I wasnt mad at her, I'm just hurting and need to be alone for a few minutes. she yelled at me and told me she was through with my bull shit and that she wouldnt be taking me to BNN. On my birthday...to the one thing Ive been looking forward to all day. I havent seen either of my friends in 2 months. and theyre  the only real friends i have. Im sorry Im hurting! Im sorry I hate who i am and how ugly i look right now bitch! I fucking hate you! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I will dance on your motherfucking grave bitch! I cant wait! So to sum it up, I should be at BNN hanging with my friends right now showing them my wicked gifts, but instead im locked in my room crying and hurt talking to you losers. Who knows, maybe this will be my last blog. Those pills look so damn good right now.

NOTE TO SELF~

I usually flake. (Yes you do.) So when I find myself flaking on myself I will remind myself of this post and re read it. Heres the plan. Silent treatment for parents. Minimal contact for siblings. Don't engage either in ANY fun exciting interesting conversations. Ignore them as MUCH AS POSSIBLE. You want them to see how much you hate their company! They'll get the point and back off. They'll feel bad and reach out. Smack that down too. They'll be hurt. GOOD. Nothing compared to what you're dealing with. Most they'll do is threaten to not buy you anything else. Who cares. I only wanted the IPhone. But since that's never happening screw it all. You'll be out of there soon enough! Literally! Remember patience. Read Bible, but DO NOT LET PARENTS SEE. Don't let them have the joy of thinking you're changing. Ignore the bitches. Block them out. It's for your own good, and that's only what matters.

THINGS TO DO ONCE IM OFFICIALLY OUT OF THIS HELL HOLE:

1. Pierce upper ear...twice.
2. Dye hair, unnatural read...or add crazy colored streaks. Maybe black? Yum.
3. Buy ramen noodle since it was forbidden at home beacause of the "MSG"
4. Buy toaster strudle cause theyre so damn amazig.
5. Pierce nose. (stud)
6. Pierce belly button.
7. Pierce tongue (Girls with tongue rings have more fun! ;D)
8. Buy 7,000,000 skelanimals. (my mom thinks theyre satanic but I love them.)
9. Re-read all Harry Potter books. (also originally forbidden-considered satanic. I did read them once though, but I had to hide under my bed or outside in order to do so.)
10. Watch all the movies with friends. Throw a Harry Potter Party.
11. Get a punch buggy<3
12. Get yorkie. Maybe a bird?
13. Buy more converse.
14. Get awesome graphic tees.
15. Record all this and send it home to my parents....and post on facebook(:
16. ALMOST FORGOT....delete any immeadiate family off facebook(:

What? There's HOPE???

So. Believe it or not. I am a christian. When everyone else sucks turd balls I go to God. He loves me so unconditionally and it's true. Damn it felt so good to type that.(: I was pissed at the world, ending my previous Blog-Rant when it occured to me. There trully is hope. I started thinking, "What should I read in the Bible after this? I want something that will make me feel better about all this bullshit.....who was worse off then me in the Bible? I want to hear their story." So I started thinking. Not many we as hurt, rejected, neglected, unloved, or having a midlife crisis in their teens...but turns out...I could relate to one them. ____. He worked 7 years to win the hand of his love from her father. On their wedding day he was TRICKED and married the chicks fat ass uglehh sister instead! He was just as pissed as me right now! Don't blame him. God doesn't ever trash talk man, but he called her an eye sore. hahahaha God said that? He must've sneezed when she popped out cuase she turned out alll wrong and ugly. Poor guy. He went to the father (I would beat the guy until he couldn't reproduce any more ugleh babies) but all he asked what, "What do I have to do to get Rachel?" (The TRUE love of his life.) The dad replied, "Work for me another 7 years. And he did. How crazy is that??? Ive been waiting for four years....he waited 14. Wow. I started thinking, he could wait 14 years for something bigger than an electronic. A human, his hearts truest love. Any person is more important than an electronic. Even my parents. And he worked hard for her too. He wasn't just waiting tables, he was kicking ass outta wheat thingys. Grinding stuff. Sawing down crap...etc....  You know, waiting sucks. I have less patience than a boys fingers in the playboy mansion. But maybe I can wait. It'll be worth it...by the time I'm able to make my own money, the dumbasses won't have any say over me anymore. I'll be free. Sure I'll have to work too...but at least I wont do anyting to crazy. At the most I'll wait a total of nine years. I've already lived through four...two more and I'm free from these crazies....give me 3 after that and sure I'll still be in college but hopefully I will have saved enough by then. I know I will have. This is important to me. PLUS it will be the IPhone 10 that will be out by then. How awesome with that be!?!? I can't even imagine. :D Maybe God's trying to teach me to wait. Well fine. Bring it on.(:

Never Will You Be Forgiven.

I hate them. They SUCK. I freaking hate them. I only want the fucking Iphone. I had no idea it would be so hard to ask. Or that it was such a "big deal." They've known I've wanted and Iphone since the sixth grade. Since the first one deputed. I was practically drooling over the IPhone 1, and still am at the gorgeous IPhone 4. My parents always said, multiple times, "I wish we could, I want it too, it's just were locked in these two years contracts." We planned on switching to AT&T (since their service happens to be wonderful out here) when our contract ended. Did that happen. Well I hope you die if you don't already know that answer. No. It didn't. Two years came and went. I actually brought in the mail with the "WARNING YOUR CONTRACT IS ALMOST UP!" sticker pasted across the front. I showed it excitedly to my mom. She told me she would go to the Verizon store the next day and see when it would end. After school the next day, I asked, "So when are we switched??" loudly and so excitedly I nearly ripped my face from smiling. And you know the response I got? "Err, uhh...well. We aren't. Were staying." I was SOOOOOOOOOO PISSED. But then she said, "Were getting new phones, along with another 2 year contract..." Getting new phones sounded okay so I was able to be fine with it for a year. I liked my new phone, it was the hottest phone out for awhile. The LG EnV. Super cool. Everyone was jealous. But by now the IPhone 3GS was arriving and I looked at my scratched P.O.S. and that "DAMN THEM!" I confronted my mom as to why she hadn't kept her promise and she claimed she was "tricked" into a new contract. Bull. Shit. But she kept to her story, and my dad believed so there was nothing I could do about her bull shit story. At least for another year. About that time, I heard rumors about Verizon getting the Iphone. I freaked. I told everyone I knew. But you know what response I got? "Never happening." "BAHA YEAH RIGHT." "Where'd you hear that? Wikipedia?" "No hun, sorry but its a lie." "Thats just a rumor, I HIGHLY doubt it." Well fuck all of you because guess what, IT WAS RELEASED TO THE PUBLIC THAT IPHONE FOUR WOULD JOIN VERIZON EARLY FEBRUARY BITCHEZZSSS!!1111!!! I absolutely freaked. I said, "TOLD YOU SO!!!" about 7,000,000 times that week. It was great. And you know the best part? It's going to be released February 10th. Five days after my birthday. I told them that I wanted it and they were excited for me too. Then "IT" happened.  I was studying for my finals with my friend. My parents came in to check on us. They were looking through my binder and saw a few failing grades. Now, you don't know my parents. Failing=Never. Failing=Disowneeeddd. AND I'M NOT EVEN ASIAN. -__- They were so pissed. Then on top of that, they found two notes from between my friend and I. Horrible notes. 1. Discussing my love life with my classmate, 2. Cursing and a rant note about THEM. Worse than what I've written on my blog. They we're "hurt" and felt "betrayed." Well good. Because I do hate them, I'm glad they know now. But oohhhhh shitttt. They would be the ones paying for my IPhone 4. Well guess what. They slammed that door right in my face. THey also are in the process of taking my out of my wonderful private school and putting me in a public school so "I can fail for free." Gayyyyyyy. I wasn't failing. I got my finals grades and guess what.!?!? Spanish- 82 Science- 83 Math- 90 Literature- 92 History- 85. I was SO proud. But they weren't. They were completely disappointed in my "low A's" and got super angry about the B's. Well guess what. I hate them more now. Shoccckkerrr! Did I redeem myself? No...I dug myself a deeper hole it turns out. Fuck that... So my birthday's rolling around and I just got lectured for about two hours about how I'm not getting an IPhone. Yeah, I cried for about an hour  before I decided to Rant-Blog. This helps. I don't care if nobody ever reads this. Fine. Good. I don't want you to know what a horrid bitch I am...it just helps me. ANYWAYS...the lecture consisted of rants about how selfish and what a bitch I am to them to my siblings and them...blah blah blah....and I didn't really pay attention to the rest...I was playing with the cat. I probably missed 99% of what they said. That's a pretty accurate statistic. All I heard and needed to hear was no iphone. F.U.C.K. the B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S. I did hear some wacky shit about how it has become my "obsession" and the IPhone is full of SIIINNNN....apparently it's satanic. They actually said that. When they grow old and their saggy asses drag around on the floor, I'm puttinh BOTH of them in a loony bin. Not even an old peoples home. They suck to much. So basically they control my life now, but I control theirs later on. What a cruel twist of fate. Karma. ;)

Spit in the Eye of our Lovers~

Dear Aaron,

I love you. You're so freaking hott. But thats not all I love.
I love your sweet crooked smile, when you wink at me in class I melt. Instantly.
YOure so sweet, witty and funny. I love to just be around you. Your charisma is amazing. Everytime our skin brushes in the hallways or you poke me being silly, I want to stay there. I want to die in that instant. When I'm with you the real smiles come out. I am able to pack the powdered mask away. And forget the world that hates me but is waiting for me at..."home." Youve helpled me so much, youve saved my life. I love talking to you, joking with you, learning with you. Even our pointless convos have meanings. You mean the world to me. But you also have a cruel side. A side where you think youre above me...a hateful side. I would love to tell you this but actually I'm scared of the rejection. Of the pain that WILL inevitably fallow. I love you I need you, I want you in my life. I know you like me...so come down to my level. Stop hurting and rejecting me. Think of the life we could have together? Not perfect, but undoubtly incredible. Not perfect, but the next best thing.
I love you.

~Is it really that anonymous?

All in favor of removing "ily" from the word family?

MY MOM IS SUCH A BITCH. all she fucking odes is NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG NAG. I freaki9ng hate her. She's also the cruelest to me. I get beat alot by her. Fuck her. i WILL dance on her grave. My dad loves me (blah blah blah) and he tries to show it, but none of that matters when he shows his love for his money is greater than his love for me. and it hurts. like a stap in the eye with razor blades after have your legs hacked off with elongated butter knives and slitting your throat with your fingernails. lovely mental image. My dad's a doctor. moneys NEVER tight. easy right??? NOT. his parents (millionaires) are extremely frugal...hes picked up on this. I just got yelled at for potentially breaking a hanger in my sisters room? seriously? fuck you. My mouth is horribly overcrowded and im in desperate need of braces. braces? he can pay for em with whats in his wallet now. its pocket change. but lovely me the eavesdropper heard my mom and his convo...about how they didnt want to spend more money on me when they could use it on themselves. touching up his BMW or her Escalade. (no lies these are their legit cars)screw them. he trew a HUGE fit about paying for me "the ungreatful little brat" I am truly greatful for everything i have except for my relationships with my parents. I have a hard time acting greatful for things because when I look at them I dont see the new earings they bought me....but I see the bruises on my stomach and thighs. the cuts on my wrist and the violence in their pupils. it hurts so much. i want it to end....but apperently if i commit suicude ill instantly go to hell?? i fucking hope not.